In the Exit Row

Stories Week Days 3/4: The Manager Spectrum

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 23:07:00 -0600

A nice thing about consulting is that we never call our superiors “my boss”. Perhaps because our industry is called “Management Consulting,” the preferred nomenclature is “my manager.” (“Bossing Consulting,” although accurate, just doesn’t have the same ring to it.) Whereas our managers rotate as we work on different projects, most normal people have a “consistent boss” they complain about day in, day out.

Despite the inherent awesomeness of never having to work for the same person for too long (multiplying the feasibility of the one day stomach flu by at least six times a year), a pattern of manager behavior reveals itself over time. My parents told me never to stereotype, so here are four manager archetypes based strictly on behavior. And ethnicity and gender.

1. FOB: Fresh Off Boat

Situation: Sure, my being dark and handsome lends itself to racial ambiguity, but when the first thing my Indian manager on a new project asked me was, “So where in India are you from?” we were not off to a good start. (A small provincial town called Los Angeles, with parents from Aladdin and Jasmine, if you’re wondering.)

Solution: Besides wearing swishy capri pants to the gym and smelling intensely of the Macy’s cologne department, a distinguishing factor of the FOB is a new found obsession with American sports. Whether or not you care, talk about their local team and pretend like you understand the difference between a wicket and a run.

You’ll be on the FOB’s good side and when it’s 2PM and Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals is being playing miles away…

Team event!

2. DB: Driver of Bus

Situation: The DB usually seems like a cool manager at first and may display FOBish tendencies, including, but not limited to, cutting work early for team dinners and/or projecting youtube videos in the team room while taking frequent breaks. Be careful of the DB, however, as he/she is planning his/her wedding, chatting with friends online, and tweeting inane middle age things like “I’m going home today!” and “Had a great workout this morning!” you’re doing all the work – and it may not be right.

When the partner checks in and shit hits the fan, the DB will not only throw you under the bus, he/she will drive it over you, chanting “O’Doyle Rules!” while foreclosing your grandmother’s house and just being an Adam Sandler 90’s movie villain in general.

Solution: Put your seat belt on. Recalling verbal communication often never works in your favor, but emails are forever. Oh, I didn’t ask you to review? Why don’t I forward those four emails you never responded to? You can throw me under the bus, but not if I put a banana peel under the bus. Turn that “uh oh” moment into “I told you so!”

3. BROWH NOS: Builds Relationships Outside Working Hours, Notoriously Obsequious Sycophant

Situation: This one speaks for itself. The BROWH NOS somehow knows everyone in the office and is willing to stay until midnight on a Friday just to have a chance at a hearing a partner’s voice Saturday.

Solution: Perhaps the trickiest of all managers, the BROWH NOS is well intentioned. Work too well for the BROWH NOS and you’re suddently part of that Saturday afternoon kickoff call - and no, not a football/soccer kickoff, where, if you’re lucky, the most excited thing to happen will be a grown man kicking a ball boy in the chest.

The kind of Saturday Kickoff that involves a dial-in number, WebEx link, and “Sparky! Keep it down!” background noise.

If you ever work for the BROWH NOS, just do your worst. He still doesn’t have the power to impact your reviews and will most likely be gone before you are.

4. PAM: Passive Aggressive Manager

Situation: Remember elementary school, when you asked your teacher “Can I go to the bathroom?” and she said “I don’t know, can you?” and you said, “No, I can’t, because my mom packs my lunches with processed starchy foods and I haven’t been ‘regular’ since my diet was primarily bottled milk,” and she looked at you in horror?

Well, neither do I. But the lesson of avoiding “Can I do…?” and instead either doing it, or telling someone you are going to do it stayed with me forever. So when a manager’s requests are primarily passive aggressive in nature and usually begin with “Will you be able to …,” and “Do you think you could…,” we’ve got a problem.

Solution: I will in no way suggest that PAM is female name and PAMs tend to be female. That would be inappropriate and most likely lead to a complaint from HR. Luckily, I’m anonymous, quitting my job tomorrow, and don’t give a fuck! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Compliment PAM on her hair once a week and it won’t matter how poorly you respond to her indirect requests and awkward commands - even though she may look like …

She’ll feel like…

Trust me on these folks.

I’m a currently-homeless, soon-to-be funemployed consultant, with the greatest thing to show for two and a half years of work an anonymous blog with GIFs and shit jokes.

Foolproof.

Stories Week Day 2: Hairy Green Balls: The Consulting Case Interview

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 20:43:00 -0600

The Consulting Case Interview.

Feared. Dreaded. Despised.

Websites dedicate themselves to cracking it. Workshops guarantee acing it. Books promise the “frameworks” to succeed.

I killed it in mine. And here’s the story.

Months into my senior year at college, the financial crisis left investment banking jobs elusive. The prospect of making more than $100K a year and evolving into a an even bigger douchebag seemed more and more out of reach as each bank crumbled. With the hot girl out of reach for prom, it was time to find a back up date still DTF.

I didn’t really know what consultants did, but the more I looked into consulting, the more appealing it became. There was only one thing standing between me and a job offer - the case interview. (Technically, two. There is also something called the “Behavioral Interview,” which roughly translates to “Let’s see how well you can act and embellish so that you are prepared for the 90% of your job you will be acting and embellishing.” If you can’t behave in a behavioral interview, this job ain’t for you, son.)

At this point, I should mention that, to those unfamiliar, a case interview is designed to simulate a typical problem a consultant might encounter. For example, the interview might consist of walking through a new product launch and all the considerations behind it, including some element requiring a demonstration of mathematical calculations. The case interview tests an interviewee’s ability to grasp basic business principles, demonstrate composure under fire, and surreptitiously use a Casio calculator watch.

(Years later, I determined that the case interview in its current form is a preposterous exaggeration of a consultant’s real work. A more suitable case would center around whether to stay at the Starwood or Marrriot near the client. A solid answer comes to a conclusion after factoring in the variables of nightly rate cap, current promotions, and project duration after stating assumptions about distance from the client, current hotel status, and availability of hard-boiled eggs at complimentary breakfast.)

The most difficult element of the case interview is called the “back of the envelope” or “market sizing” question, in which you are forced to logically think through an obscure question like, “How many tennis balls can fit on an airplane?” or “How many new cars are sold every year?” I preferred referring to these as “This is what smartphones are for” questions, but I had no choice to prepare for the worst.

There’s a book called Case in Point, which is the Holy Bible of the consulting case interview. If you were preparing for a case interview and saw anyone in the library, class, or campus flipping through that royal blue cover, you couldn’t help but think that’s the fucking enemy. It didn’t matter if that person was your girlfriend, best friend, or sibling; you felt like an Olympian watching a competitor injecting himself with HGH.

I poured over Case in Point for days and nights, dreaming about the approximately 300 million Americans with approximately 3 people per household and their average life expectancy of 75 years. When asked how much my new Blackberry cost, I found myself saying things like, “well, your variable costs include your direct labor and material costs, and you can’t forget about overhead.” Michael Porter’s Five Forces were forcing their way into all of my thoughts and I couldn’t buy a cup of coffee without imagining the barriers to enter the coffee market.

I scheduled my two interviews to run from 4-5PM, not wanting to interfere with my 2:30PM college wakeup call. After acing the behavioral, I took a deep breath and entered the next room for my case interview. All the hard work had paid off. No - not the studying - I could have taken my Case in Point book and played ultimate frisbee with the smelly kid who always talked about Dave concerts for all I knew. My interviewer looked at me and said “CXO, it’s been a long day and I’m fucking tired. Let’s get through this shit quickly so that I can go get a fucking drink.”

Tip #1: Network Like A Boss

I had met my interviewer the night before at a dinner. While all the chodes asked stupid questions about projects, promotion trajectory, clients, etc., I asked about the craziest thing that happened to him in all his years as a consultant. He put down his forkful of cheesecake, smiled, and recounted a bar fight in a random Midwestern city. He was the kind of cool dude that said “fuck” and “shit” because he could. The male equivalent of a botox-ridden housewife who takes pleasure in calling herself a MILF and talking about “those Twilight hunks” with her future-slut daughters.

We ran through the case in less than 10 minutes and left the remainder of the interview to pick up our conversation where it left off. He let me know that I would be expecting a call that evening and to take take tomorrow a little bit more seriously because there would be a one hour case interview with two partners interviewing me. “Get some fucking rest man, I want to see you ace that shit,” he said as we fist bumped in lieu of shaking hands.

I knew I had been lucky this far. I took it easy that afternoon and flipped through Case in Point one last time before the final round of interviews.

That night, I had a dream about a plane crashing into the Appalachian mountains. Investigators reported that, although they were still searching, 348,287 tennis balls were pronounced deflated and 23,435 were still missing. Not since watching Shrek could I image having a nightmare about hairy green balls.

I entered the interview room calm and composed but was quickly unnerved as two senior partners introduced themselves with no hint of a smile. I shakily made my way through a brief introduction before being hit with the case. Based on the fictional launch of a technology product, the case was tough and I stumbled through each question. When I thought I answered one partner well, the other questioned my logic. I was a heap of raw meat being flipped around and grilled far beyond well-done.

Finally, with the case complete and the interview nearing it’s awkward end, my interviewers asked if I had any last considerations.

Tip #2: Bullshit, Bullshit, Social Media

In a moment of panic and desperation, I started saying things like “We should use Web 2.0 strategies to market the product,” and “Our client can combine Twitter and Facebook platforms to connect with the customer in a competitive landscape.” I watched in amazement as my interviewers went from admonishing to admiring. “Wow, that’s some very innovative thinking!” one partner exclaimed as they exchanged nods.

I exited the interview feeling like I was Mark Zuckerberg and I just let a few people cash in on Facebook’s IPO. [Editor’s note: This was written a long time ago… clearly.] It was that day that I learned a lesson that I would carry with me well into my years as a consultant. There is no better way to make yourself sound intelligible in the presence of baby boomers than by repeating nonsense like “social media” and “viral campaigning.” Although you may have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, I can assure you - neither do they.

The Consulting Case Interview: Bullshitting the Bullshitters.

Stories Week Day 1: So, What Exactly Do You Do?

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 18:41:00 -0600

For reasons that should become obvious soon, this week may be my last writing as Anonymous Consultant at Anonymous Consulting Firm. Over the next few days, I’ll post a collection of writing that I never really felt fit into the blog, but didn’t know where else to put. (BOOK DEAL?!? PLEASE?!?)

Oh, and dear anonymous. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m very busy catching up on Girls and doing my best to pretend like I have no idea what people are talking about when they discuss the show. You can’t be that secretive. Show your face!

So, What Exactly Do You Do?

“I’m a consultant.”

“A what?”

“A management consultant.”

“What does that even mean? What do you do?”

Off the top of my head, there is only one question in life that I find more difficult to answer than being asked about my profession as a management consultant. That question being, “why do you have to marry a Jewish girl?” usually asked by someone from the Midwest (excluding the suburbs of Chicago) or the South. The kind of person you tell you’re taking the day off to observe the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur, to which they politely reply, “Enjoy! Have a happy Yawn Kipper!”

Fortunately, there is a short answer to The Jewish Question. (“Because I have to.”) Unfortunately, The Management Consultant Question can only be answered by responses that, in turn, provoke further questioning.

“Wait, so you fly from Chicago to New York City every week and they put you up in fancy hotels? They can’t just find someone that does what you do in New York City?”

“Well, if we’re talking fancy, no, the Sheraton Tribeca is only a Category 4 and despite the fact that they recently finished renovations at the W Union Square (which, by the way, are a total let down), it’s pretty much impossible to get a room. And yes, there is not a single other person out of the 19 million in the New York Metropolitan Area that has a bachelor’s degree, one year of work experience, and can do what I do. Any other questions?”

“Oh. So, you’re kind of like George Clooney, right? In that movie… what was it called?”

“Ocean’s Eleven? Ocean’s Thirteen? Spy-Kids 3D: Game Over? I’m not sure I know where you are going with this.”

Yes, there is an answer for “what do you do?” We’re programmed to say it at recruiting events, where wide-eyed college students line up in droves to tell us about their summer internships and why they are so interested in consulting. They love the wide range of experiences and opportunities for travel. They love the exposure to different industries and the potential for pro-bono consulting.

Personally, I love the fact that as I am making this presentation at my alma mater, I can see spot at least three faces across the room that at one point or another last year consulted my pro-boner.

Tomorrow:

Hairy Green Balls: The Consulting Case Interview

Saving Private Screen

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 15:31:00 -0600

[Editor’s Note: No GIFs in this post… wahhh. If you’ve lost the ability to focus on more than seven words and a picture, look elsewhere, or hit up that jittery kid for some meds.]

Several years before entering the workforce, I was on a flight home and decided to fire up my laptop and watch the pilot of Californication. Avoiding cursory glances from the mother and daughter seated beside me, I watched as our protagonist dreamed about receiving a beej from a hot nun. That moment, I knew two things: 1.) No matter how ridiculously outlandish this plot would get, I was hooked. And, 2.) I should probably get one of those screen protector thingies.

Back then, privacy screens were relatively new innovations - hard to find and expensive. Today, privacy screens are standard issue consultant corporate accessories, like flash drives, headsets, and irrevocable feelings of regret.

The use of a privacy screen in public is logical. We need to protect sensitive information. If people knew how much we charge to align powerpoint slides, they would be outraged. But, covering your screen in a team room or cubicle during work hours? Imagine if the Lakers showed up to practice wearing veils, not wanting anyone looking over their shoulders at what exactly they were doing. It would explain a lot, but it wouldn’t be very professional.

Why should no one be able to look at your screen where the expectation is that you’re working?

Because you’re browsing the internet and chatting on gchat, of course! A privacy screen is like a condom - you lose some of the sensation but at least you know that you’re kind of protected. Let’s be honest. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably got a privacy screen on right now. (It takes guts to raw dog the internet in the team room.)

So how do you balance doing work and using a privacy screen to get away with doing nothing?

1. Mind Your Angles
A common misconception is that once you put a privacy screen on, you’re covered. Not the case. If the angle is not sharp enough, you risk the creepy turn-into-sunglasses-outside-but-then-look-weird-when-you’re-back-inside photochromic lens effect popularized by pedophiles and children with cruel parents. You THINK the lens is dark enough, but I can see you looking at her tits, bruh.

2. Take A Breather

If your teammates only see your computer with a privacy screen on, they’ll never know what you do. Make sure to take “breathers”, where you remove your privacy screen. In these frightening moments, ONLY have work applications open on your screen. Leaving your privacy screen on for too long is too enigmatic for it’s own good, like Ryan Seacrest’s sexual orientation.

3. Make Pretend

Supposed to be doing work but you’ve got your privacy screen on and your Gmail is blowing up? No problem! Mutter things like, “… need a new strategy …” and “… these numbers just don’t add up…” loud enough that everyone can hear, but not loud enough to draw a response. While your team thinks you are diligently analyzing the data set, you’re looking at your credit card statement, trying to remember when you dropped $354.72 at a bar called “Taco’s”.

(Ok. Lied.)

Ah, the irony of a privacy screen. Intended to protect companies from the loss of private information, but inadvertently leading to millions of dollars of lost productivity in the form of internet distractions. Someone should write a business case about this. I would but -

- no way! They found those Lakers bros!

Happy Holiday Parties! Part(y) 2 - The After Party

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 10:25:00 -0600

After The Holiday Party, there’s the After Party.

It’s a scene of moderate pandemonium as a hundred drunk out-of-towners try to come to a consensus on a location. “Let’s bounce!” quickly turns into “We’re going to bounce!” which then turns into “We’re going to Bounce…. a bar called Bounce.” Long story short, pick a spot, make like titties, and bounce.

Go ahead and buy the first round of drinks. It’s all going on Corporal Amex, but you’ll feel more badass than this guy.

The alcohol is flowing and things are starting to get a little weird. There will probably be a She’s All That candidate you last remember wearing glasses and an office suit. Now she’s dancing on a table.

Stay tuned, because in t-minus 20 minutes, you’ll witness an epic fall.

Welcome to alcohol! Everything in moderation. Try not to laugh as she’s carried off by a few guys.

Perhaps the most troubling part of the holiday party, is the inevitable horn-dogging of your managers and senior managers. Aren’t you guys married?! Don’t you have kids?! Weren’t you neutered?!

Do, however, cheer for the shy guy on your team that’s making out with a random hottie at the bar. Well done, good sir. Well done.

As for you, you realize that you’re getting older and your moves are a lot more awkward and uncoordinated than they used to be.

Some of the guys decide to go to a strip club and ask you to join.

Unfortunately, you can’t see straight and it’s time to call it a night and head home.

After the After Party? There’s the hotel lobby. No, R. Kelly isn’t giving out free showers to every SPG Platinum member. 90% of you are staying at the hotel and as you stumble “home” more erratically than a North Korean missile, contemplating the efficacy of the elevator lobby button as a urinal, your project partner shows up.

With She’s All That.

The Holiday Party.

Where dreams are made.

[Disclaimer: All stories/situations in this post, while hilarious, are entirely fictional. Minus the fact that R. Kelly pissed on people. That shit is true.]

Happy Holiday Parties! Part(y) 1

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 12:39:00 -0600

The holiday spirit is among us. And when complimentary spirits are among the holiday party, a night of corporate nerdery gone wild is yours for the taking.

It’s still undetermined why a a group of people who make so much money get so hard at the thought of open bars and shitty decorations. Perhaps it’s the excuse to leave work early,

Perhaps it’s the free food,

Or, perhaps it’s your boozy chance to tellfis the manager on your team what you think about her,

At it’s earlier, more sober, stages, the holiday party can be difficult to navigate. Feel free to combine your passion for current events and flirting by trying lines like, “If I hear one Mor-si song, I’m going to have to kill a Yankee,” and “Why don’t we get out of here and find a resolution to my fiscal stiff?” Don’t be surprised if you fail, but at least you took the plunge.

Pretend it never happened and try to join a “networking circle.” When you realize the conversation is about work and everyone is sippin dat Kool-Aid, gracefully make your way out of the conversation, and move on.

As you walk around, you may notice some particularly festive holiday ensembles. Cheerful ties - fine. Ugly sweaters - whatever. But if you see someone wearing a vest and bowtie,

resist the urge to hand him your keys and ask him to valet your car. And if you run into the questionably overweight girl in an unquestionably inappropriate sequin dress that everyone is talking about… Don’t even think about it.

Drinks are flowing and it’s time to make your way onto the dancefloor. But, just as you start getting your groove on,

the open bar closes and it’s time to make your way to…

… the after party.

Part(y) 2, tomorrow.

One post a week, beginning this week.

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 15:21:47 -0600

Promise.

Happy Holidays!

And Happy Holiday Parties! (Hint, hint.)

A Pony-Tale

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 16:47:00 -0500

[Editor’s Note: I have nothing work related to write about anymore. So I’m just going to write about other things. Like ponytails.]

Personal hygiene and grooming are important matters, especially when you work in the client-services industry. It is not uncommon to hear recommendations that one must shave often and keep a regular hair-cutting routine. That being said, I have made a conscious decision not to cut my hair for the next year, for the sole reason that I will be able to tie it back into a ponytail.

Yes, I am fully aware that on the one to Bono douche scale, a ponytail wielding male registers somewhere around a Kevin Federline.

I’ll have to endure an awkward phase where my hair is neither long enough to tie back nor short enough to be presentable. I’ll be in purgatory between sizes, like being restricted to shopping at either 7-Eleven or Costco. And I’m anticipating the moment when I’ll wake up, reach for my alarm, and notice that the scrunchie on my nightstand is not a trophy, but a necessity.

So, why am I doing this?

1. Horses are regal. And a ponytail is equestrian as fuck.

There is a reason that every little girl asks for “a pony” on her birthday. For an animal that bears an air of majesty, the pony reigns supreme. There’s just something magical about the Tyrion Lannister of horses. I can’t contain my excitement thinking about it…

2. The most bad-ass character of all time sports a ponytail

Speaking of Game of Thrones, there are only two fictional characters on HBO that strike me with fear. Lena Dunham’s character from Girls for her incredible ability to kill a boner and Khal Drogo fromGame of Thrones, for his incredible ability to kill.

Next Halloween, I’ll be able to dress up as Khal Drogo without having to do much dressing up at all. All I’ll need is some eye makeup, body paint, and a completely new body.

3. There is an online community dedicated to my success

Whether I am researching a company’s financials, discovering new music to listen to, or making the decision to grow my hair out, I always do my research. It turns out that there is a website advising men who have made the decision to grow their hair out and an online forum providing support.

The site is full of expert advice like “Before you make your decision on whether or not you want to grow out your hair, you should understand that it takes a lot of patience,” and, “Growing your hair can take time.” As I begin my complicated journey of not getting any haircuts, I can rest assured knowing that expert advice is one click away.

4. At the end of the day, when my job consists of creating virtual documents, I can smile knowing that something beautiful, something tangible, came from my head.

www.whatsyourbandwidth.com

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 13:02:00 -0500

Nope, not me. This is mine:

Automatic Reply: Out of Office. Out of Mind.

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 15:34:00 -0500

Hello,

Thank you for your message. No, truly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sending me a message. It means a lot to me. Consider this automated response just part of my gratitude for your contacting me.

I am out of office right now with an international phone with 4G capabilities, but limited access to email. I could tell you that I will be traveling out of the country. I could tell you that I am on vacation. I could even tell you that I am at an all-day client workshop and therefore I am so out of the office that I will be in an office for the next 12 hours and there is absolutely positively no chance I will be near a computer. I’ll keep it simple though. I am out of office right now and will be returning in about 15 minutes after I go to Walgreens and buy myself a LaraBar.

For all matters regarding the Initiative for World Peace, please contact Jeff Smith. I mean, I’m not part of it. But I’m sure he can help. For all matters regarding Project Uranus, you know who to contact. Please recognize how important I am for being on such an exclusive and secretive project.

If this is an emergency, please stop everything you are doing right now and dial 911. If the matter requires immediate attention, stop being such a needy bitch.

Last but not least, here’s my phone number. However, if you call me, the chances of my picking up are slimmer than a Kenyan olympian.

I look forward to responding to you upon my return like I look forward to family brunches the morning after my birthday. If you think there is a chance that you’ll get an email while I am out…

Lukewarmest regards,

-CXO

Training-spotting

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 00:36:00 -0500

Training. Equivalent with words that sound like “moist,” “ooze” and “we shouldn’t be doing this – I just met you,” the thought of it makes me shudder. As a child, training meant early morning swimming lessons, late afternoon soccer practices, and weekend basketball games, all to reinforce that I would not be joining the shortest shortlist of successful Jewish athletes. Today, training means taking personality exams, smiling through forced networking events, and carefully balancing flirting with sexual harassment lawsuits.

In the same way that pulling teeth can be fun (fresh supply of Vicodin), coming together with your peers in a remote location and an environment surrounded by booze and nametags can lend itself to Cedar Rapids style craziness and hilarity. (I’ll be honest - I haven’t actually seen the movie, but the trailer looked pretty good.)

However, every rose has it’s thorn. Every city has it’s WNBA team. And standing between me, happy hour, and in the infinite shame of unsuccessfully trying to make out with a colleague are my three least favorite things about training.

1.) Introductions and Fun Facts

“Okay, everyone, let’s go around and say our name, hometown, and say a few fun facts about ourselves.”

“Hi, my name is CXO and I’m from America. A few fun facts about me are that my parents got divorced when I was 3 because my mom caught my dad’s stash of bestiality in the attic and I love traveling.”

I fucking hate this question. You spent $500 of your parents money while you were studying abroad to be strapped onto a Swiss dude to go skydiving and, more importantly, change your profile picture?

There are a lot of fun facts about me. I only shower with the lights off. I’m allergic to cats and happiness in general. And I open mouth kissed a horse once.

Ask me who my favorite Pokemon is or what my favorite Nick at Nite show was and why. I promise you’ll learn more about me than the fact that I was born in another country, have webbed feet, or something similarly out of my control happened in my life.

2. Team Building Exercises

Apparently, the reason that the 2012 United States’ Men’s Basketball team won the Olympic gold was not its line up of all-star NBA professionals or the expert guidance of Coach Sheshevski. No, no, no – the group underwent a series of team building exercises a few months ago, including, but not limited to, building animals out of foil paper, throwing a hacky sack around a circle and talking about emotions, and going on a scavenger hunt. What did they find?

That the best way to get a number of people to familiarize themselves with each other in an unfamiliar setting is to have them do something so fundamentally useless and boring is that they bond over how much it sucks.

(And then tell Pau Gasol that Big Bird called and he wants his swag back.)

3.) Company Spirit!

The following moment will occur at some point during your next training session. In a stuffy, windowless room lined by divergent rows of uncomfortable foldable chairs, two or three middle-aged executives with the stage presence of cardboard boxes will ask “How’s everybody doing right now?” followed by “Come on you can do better than that! How is everybody feeling right now?!”

Look right and left.

A large majority of the room will be smiling making a feeble “woo” sound accompanying by an awkward clap or three. The rest of the room will be muttering fuck this under their collective breaths.

Gather those people and I’ll gather mine.

See you at the bar(n).

Mitt Romney - Consultant. Villain.

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 10:43:20 -0500

[Editor’s Note: It goes without saying that this post is The Dark Knight Rises related. Although it has nothing to do with the horrific events that occurred at Aurora, I do recognize the subject matter and my heart goes out to the victims and their families.]

7/20/2012 - “Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh has called Dark Knight Rises villain, Bane, a liberal conspiracy aimed at Mitt Romney and Bain Capital. Bane’s creator disagrees.” - Forbes

I, like many consultants, have been monitoring the presidential election with a close eye, particularly because of Mitt Romney’s previous experience with Bain / Bain Capital as a management consultant / private equity guy. Although my political views do not tend to align with any camp in particular (I’m not pro-choice or pro-life, I’m just pro-abortion, for example), I have found the associations with Mitt Romney’s business endeavors equal parts entertaining and misleading.

However, I won’t turn this into a blog around well-developed political commentary and valuable insight, like reputable sources CNN and Fox News, but I had to do some research and find out whether or not Rush Limbaugh really was onto something. I mean, he usually gets it right.

Could the “Bane” character really be nothing less than a coincidence? Did the creators of The Dark Knight change the villain’s name just in time for the presidential elections? Are these the same liberal bastards who so insensitively used a George Bush head in a Game of Thrones episode?

Before I delve any deeper, it’s time for me to reveal a little more about myself. I’m from Los Angeles, California. That means two things:

1. My hometown basketball team destroys your hometown basketball team and I’m going to be obnoxious as fuck about it, like you’d expect from any Angelino.

Damn right bitches! Lisa Leslie maaaaaaiii guuurrrrlllllll!11!

2. I have many hometown friends that decided to work in the movie/TV industry as actors, assistants, assistants to actors, assistants to assistants of actors, etc. If you’re not from Los Angeles, feel free to refer to them as “waiters.”

So, I called some friends and it turns out one of them works for Warner Brothers. She had been involved with the script for several years and after some gentle ego-stroking and coercing, she told me the truth. Warner Brothers did not just change the villain’s name to Bane when it was apparent that Romney would be the Republican nominee, but they pretty much had another name set in stone. She sent me the character description, too. I report. You decide.

Tom Hardy as “McKinsey”:

Based on the comic villain of the same name, McKinsey is a strategic villain, intent on infiltrating the ranks of every business in Gotham City using his army of programmable slave drivers. Armed with state of the art technology and countless connections in the City, McKinsey burns most people out - quickly.

And no, before you ask. I don’t work for McKinsey.

He’s kind of a douche - we’d never get along.

Thinking Positively

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 18:29:00 -0500

Over the past few weeks, I have gotten a few emails and messages asking why the site has been down. No, my company didn’t find the site and ask me to take it down – that would be way too bad ass. Turns out there was a tumblr domain problem and the only code I know is P-T-O.

Don’t worry, the problem is fixed. You can continue to expect high-quality posts at a more erratic pace than a narcoleptic marathon runner.

But, there’s another reason why I haven’t been so motivated to post and probably the main one: life’s good. What does that mean?

It means, looking back at some of my old posts, I was most inspired when I was least inspired. It’s easy to be funny when you’re frustrated, cynical, and sarcastic. It’s relatable. Less so, when you’re happier and don’t have as much to bitch and complain about. Just look at Adam Sandler. Happy Gilmore? Fantastic. Spanglish? I’d rather be asking for directions to the nearest Starbucks on a street corner in Damascus.

So, let’s think positively. What are some of the things that I have loved about consulting over the past few years?

1. Corporate American Express

There are some things in life that money can’t buy. Unless you use your corporate AmEx card – that shit works for EVERYTHING, Chinese takeout be damned.

Extra chicken, guac, and a soft drink with that Chipotle burrito bowl when I’m on the road? Why don’t you throw in a $10 gift card while you’re at it.

$395 flight that gets in at 10:20PM or $495 flight that gets in at 9:00PM? I’ll take the 7:00PM arrival for $550, please. And yes ma’am, I’m aware there are cheaper options, but are you aware that Thursdays are date nights?

Suddenly having to book a personal flight and pay for it yourself feels as foreign and strange as Wilder Valderama. I’ve got some flights planned next month that I actually had to pay for – if you think I didn’t have seven Kayak tab opens at a given time and convince myself the 6AM flights are worth saving a hundo and hanging over a middle seat, well, you’re wrong.

2. Traveling

Some people don’t enjoy traveling for work. They prefer living at home and having “normal” lifestyles. These people tend to check in suitcases for weekend trips, proclaim “I love visiting New York, but I could never live there!”, and have counter logical relationships they call “girlfriends” and “boyfriends” in their early twenties. Fine.

Me? Even if I’m traveling to the shittier parts of America (90% of the territory between the East and West coasts), I love being on the road and a different city is always a free flight away. Home isn’t where the heart is. It’s where my suitcase, complimentary upgrade, and OkCupid profile is.

3.) No One Has a Clue What You Do

What do you do?

I’m a management consultant.

What does that mean?

There’s a dearth of creativity in this industry, but if there were ever an opportunity to shine, this is your chance. Not only do you have no idea what you do, trying to explain that other people is harder than Jim’s dad from American Pie in public.

Most people try to explain it in simple terms. We solve complex business problems for our clients. We help organizations improve their performance by analyzing their current operations and developing a plan for the future.

Here are my favorite responses.

Have you ever seen Up in Air? Okay, great, so you know who George Clooney is. Perfect. I’m a professional con-man, like his character in Ocean’s Eleven.

I steal your watch and then tell you what time it is. But, in the wrong time zone. We recommend that you reset your watch back to the correct time zone and have just the right team to get it done for you!

Yeah! I’m totally similar to that guy on Showtime! Trying to make it as a writer while pursuing booze and women as I watch my lofty career and personal aspirations unravel? That’s me!

Thinking. Positively.

Way to go, Forbes.

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 08:40:00 -0500

Bravo, Bravo.

Here’s my Forbes List:

Consulting Ruminations and Ponderings Volume 1

Consulting Ruminations and Ponderings Volume 2

Consulting Ruminations and Ponderings Volume 3

Consulting Ruminations and Ponderings Volume 4

Consulting Ruminations and Ponderings Volume 5

Consulting Ruminations and Ponderings Volume 6

Consulting Ruminations and Ponderings Volume 7

Suck it,

CXO

This will turn into a post tomorrow.

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 23:23:00 -0500

I promise.

Crazy white girls be gettin in the way of shit.

What Should We Call Team Dinner - The Second Half

Thu, 24 May 2012 10:23:00 -0500

It’s the second half of Team Dinner (First Half here). After a round of musical chairs, you realize that you’ve been seated next to the only two people at the table who are part of the technology practice, and you’re like

When they tell you that they are vegetarians, or, worse, vegans, you’re thinking

The conversation begins peacefully. They start talking about their kids, how travel makes it so difficult to see them womp womp womp. When they ask you if you have a wife, you say no. When they ask you if you have a girlfriend, you think to yourself,

But, you’re okay with that because the waitress is HOT. But, it’s going to be difficult as fuck to circumnavigate what is essentially a table full of cockblocks. You just want to push everyone at the table away like,

You’re good though, and you coyly excuse yourself to the restroom. No one notices, because they’re too busy discussing how inaccurate House of Lies is. You don’t want to let them know you’ve had more fun in the past few years than Don Cheadle in HOL and have crazier hotel stories than Don Cheadle in Hotel Rwanda. Stories that would make most people at the firm go

You catch the waitress by the restroom and make a joke about how boring this dinner is and if she could please spike your next glass of wine with GHB and take you home. She finds it funny and gives you her number. When you remain cool and composed on the outside, but inside, you feel like

It’s back to the table now and the partner is talking about himself and everyone is smiling and nodding and encouraging him to talk about himself. When you’re just eating your steak (while the vegetarians order plate after plate of vegetables and pasta so bland it would make even the most indiscriminate 4 year old cry), you look at everyone around the table like,

Just when you think the meal is finally over and you realize its 8:30PM and you’re both wasted and sending “Where are you?” booty calls far too early, the waitress asks if anyone wants dessert. While most of the table gives that limp dick “… maybe…” response, the two fatasses at the table look at each other like,

and it’s on. When dessert arrives and even though no one really wanted it, everyone springs for it like,

The check finally comes and the partner takes it with that Big Man On Campus grin. Everyone smiles and thanks him soooo much for dinner, but you know the only person paying for it is the client and you think to yourself,

Now, the team dinner HAS to be over, but someone mentions “that cool new bar” in town and you realize, holy-fuck-this-shit-won’t-ever-fucking-end-I-just-want-to-go-home-and-Keep-Up-With-the-Kardashians and you’re like,

The Team Dinner. It never ends.

What Should We Call Team Dinner - The First Half

Wed, 23 May 2012 16:13:00 -0500

Children are going hungry all over the world. Unethical food practices are driving public consciousness on food sourcing. The cost of food in some regions of the world is rising at an alarming rate.

But when your team lets you know you’re going to a Michelin rated restaurant for a team dinner, you’re just like…

It’s not that you don’t enjoy eating everything – you would just rather be working out, dating, writing, or getting jerked off by Edward Scissorhands. Regardless, team dinners = leaving work early, and when you get to leave the office before 7PM, you’re like…

After hailing a cab and stuffing 4 corporate issued black nylon briefcases in the trunk, you get closer to your manager than you ever wanted to as you squeeze into the cab like

The team awkwardly chooses its spots around the table. Just as you decide that you’re going to make an attempt to get the know the partner instead of being an alcoholic recluse, the sycophant manager squeezes in between you and the partner like,

Dinner always begins with the same boring-ass topics. “Do you prefer having two phones?” “Are you an SPG person or a Marriott person?” “How many kids do you have?” Meanwhile, you’re just sitting there like,

Luckily, after someone finally pretends they know a thing or two about wine, Dionysus delivers his sweet goods to the dinner table.

When at first, someone says, “Oh, I don’t drink” you look at them like,

…. and decide it’s going to be a long, long night of,

Get ready for it. And the second half, tomorrow.

The Monday Survival Guide

Mon, 21 May 2012 09:07:00 -0500

If you have found this post, you have reached your last resort. Please don’t panic. It’s Monday. You may be suffering from travel malaise, you may have partied way too hard this weekend, and your Serotonin Industrial Average may be reaching 2008-level lows.

Your friends are moving in together, getting engaged, married, or are making equally similar temporal and regrettable life decisions. To you, life both simultaneously feels like it’s passing by way too quickly yet it has been 10:00AM for several hours.

This is the Monday Survival Guide. Follow with care and carry on. And if you don’t think you can survive, always remember that the words “food poisoning”, “Chinese takeout”, and “both ends” in a carefully conceived sentence are as undeniable as John Travolta’s homosexuality.

5 Hour Energy

Got that 2:30 feeling? Me too. I’ve had it since 4:30AM, when 3 alarm clocks woke me up in a cacophonous symphony so horrendous, only a show featuring Creed, Nickleback, and that Adam Lambert girl on the same stage could compare.

I’m one trip to a Dwyane Wade away from 5 hours of revitalization. At least, without a “prescription”.

RSS Feeds

What better way to look like you’re doing something than to open up an email? Not just any email – a blog post within an email. I don’t know why it took me a year to figure this out, but setting up RSS feeds in Outlook is some real inception shit. Gawk at gossip, or giz on new technology.

Plus, you’ll have the inside scoop on why Facebook’s stock is trading down. Because Zuckerberg did too.

Podcasts

Remember those 4 years when the only things you learned were: 1. The best teams to use in FIFA 2. The easiest way to make a quick buck was by going to experiments at the psychology building (and telling them you didn’t feel comfortable after 5 minutes and collecting your cash) and 3. Girls will always believe that you actually just opened that toothbrush?

That semester when you immersed yourself in another country’s culture by studying abroad in an English program in a building full of Americans while living in another building full of Americans? When you drained your parent’s checking account by 1.43x the normal amount, while posting enviable facebook statuses and using that skydiving photo as your profile picture?

You didn’t learn shit.

Luckily, NPR and TED have you covered, to both pass the time and let you sound somewhat intelligible at cocktail parties. Even if you made some Major mistakes, by the name of Finance and Marketing.

In the Exit Row

I never miss an opportunity for shameless self-promotion. Click Archives above and have your pick.

Congratulations, you’re almost there. Do your best to avoid telling the next person that says “Happy Monday!” to Kennedy herself/himself and have a great day.

Happy Monday!

-CXO

But ... Why?

Wed, 09 May 2012 12:50:00 -0500

It happened amidst one of those powerful brainstorming sessions. One that reminded me of my value to the firm and my contributions to the client.

The manager leaned back in his chair and dictated a slide to me, putting his thoughts to my paper. His organized and methodical use of present tense verbs and actionable actions exited his mouth like verbal diarrhea. A stream of consciousness. Jack Kerouac, On the Slide.

Ignoring, for a moment, the fact that Mavis Beacon taught him typing, leaving my existence in that team room largely superfluous, a more important question occurred to me.

Why?

Why did nothing I was typing mean anything? Why was Powerpoint telling me that these words did not exist in the English dictionary and yet I carried on? Why, do we, as consultants and as business professionals, use words, terms, and language that really, just don’t make any sense?

(Will someone please write shit down? I’m thinking out loud.)

1. Everybody is Foreign

Don’t mistake this point for Xenophobia. Xena the Warrior Princess was one of my favorite daytime television shows. I mean, she could kick my ass, but I kind of liked that.

Consultants come from everywhere [in India] and consultants consult everywhere. By developing a language of complex sounding words, second and third derivatives of the English language, we have managed to create a universal language. Think of it as the Esparanto of the 21^st century. It doesn’t matter if English was your second language. Consulting becomes your first.

2. We Are Justifying Our Cost

There’s a moment in your career as a consultant, when you realize what your actual billing rate is. Most are shocked by the numbers. The immediate reaction is a combination of awe, disgust, and “am I really worth that much?” (Or, “why I am I not getting more of that?” in my case.)

Consultants maintain an inadequacy complex. Our work can only get so hard and our analysis so deep, so we overcompensate by being flashy. Sound familiar?

3. We have Nothing to Add

Somebody once said to me, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it all,” so I told him to shut the fuck up.

Now, what if it just so happens that you don’t have anything nice to say, but nothing to say or add at all (with the exception of some awkward moments and the general disdain of everyone around you)? Add in some connections and the opportunity to get paid? You get into consulting, or make a TV show, of course!

So there you have it. Sometimes it’s best not to ask questions you don’t want the answers to. In the meantime, I will be performing the work that an iPhone can do, while watching the hottest scenes from Xena.

Add value. Ad Nauseam.

-CXO

Lessons Learned

Tue, 01 May 2012 11:44:24 -0500

In the past two months, I have probably opened up about 25 or so draft emails, beginning a new post and never finishing one. (In Outlook, of course, so that it looks like I’m working.) For some reason or another, I always exit the page and decide not to save my changes. (Alt+F4, Alt+N, of course, because only noobs and new-BA’s use a mouse.) Why?

I’ve had the time. I’ve had the passive aggressive managers, ridiculously frustrating clients, and uncomfortable travel experiences. Or, as the Hollywood types call it, “material”. But something always keeps me from finishing. And no, it’s not a condom, you sick fuck.

It’s fear. Fear of not writing well. Fear of not being funny. Fear of no one reading.

I started writing this for myself. As a release from the creative-draining monotony of an office job and as a source to document this often surreal lifestyle – coincidentally, some of it was funny.

But, it was only when I started getting so hung up on what everyone else thought that, that writing become more of a chore and less of a pleasure. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think my last few posts were hilarious as fuck, but I stopped having fun.

So, I’ll stop the introspection here. If I look too deep into my psyche, I’m afraid of what I might find. Consider this the least successful comeback since Kenny Powers made a return to baseball or Metta World Peace to … peace. Here are the lessons I’ve learned, and I’ll write when I feel like it. So, stop asking, Mike.

1.) Stop talking about your blog. No one gives a fuck.

I got dinner with a friend (okay fine, I went on a bad date) and this girl mentioned that she had a blog. Cool. The rest of the night became “It’s so funny you say that! It totally reminds of this one post I wrote on my blog… “ At a certain point, the biggest questions running through my mind were – “Should I get the burger on a brioche or a bun?” and “Where’s the best place to hang myself?”

And then I realized something. HOLY SHIT, THAT’S WHAT I SOUNDED LIKE A FEW MONTHS AGO. Seriously – my roommate told me he stayed in one night (what a pussy) and amidst the clamor of cabinets closing and glasses slamming, all he could hear was my talking about the blog. Of course, I blacked out, and remembered none of this. But you say and do what you want to when you black out. Like talk about your blog and make out with fat chicks.

When you write a blog, you get very invested in your own writing and it takes up a lot of your time. You can’t understand why your friends won’t take 5 minutes to read it. (Probably, because it sucks. Sorry, dude.) I’ll let you know when there’s a new post. But, I won’t cry anymore if you don’t read it.

Just don’t call yourself my friend.

2.) Google Analytics is Pandora’s Box – Use it Wisely

If you’ve ever messed around with Google Analytics, let me save you the time. It’s amazing. Fucking amazing.

However, it’s creepier than Jerry Sandusky at a sleepaway camp. Visitors per day… Returning visitors… Average time on site… Most viewed content… Where you live… What you’re wearing…

It’s cool to know how many visitors you have on your site (rest assured, .000000000000000001% of pornography traffic), but when you start caring too much, you’re wasting your time. Visitors went down this week? But my posts were so good! More people in Canada read this than the US? But they’re not real people!

Not. Worth. It.

3.) Write shit down.

I used to keep a blackberry file full of funny shit that happened to me and jokes I plan on telling when I finally get the balls to do an open mic. Then my RIM RIPed and I lost everything. Luckily for you and unluckily for everyone who will be in attendance at said open mic, I still remember most of it. But lesson learned – write things down when they come to you.

Action item trackers in Excel and Meeting Minutes in Word work fine, just make sure to preview what you send to your manager before you send “List of annoying buzzwords that Sue uses”, even though he thought it was pretty funny too.

In case you’re curious:

On the PG spectrum – I like using a mouse when I’m on the computer, but I generally avoided them in high school because they were too clique-y. [Editor’s Note: previous comment about mouse was a complete coincidence. Noob mistake.]

On the NC-17 spectrum – This girl told me she was waiting until marriage to lose her virginity, so I told her, that’s fine, and fingered her with my dick.

And with that, a very warm and gushy welcome back. My thoughts on online dating, coming soon.

-CXO